SILENT DESIRES

She leaned her forehead against his. His onslaught was relentless and he didn’t play fair.

“I’m afraid,” she whispered.

“So am I.”Text © by N0ve/lDrama.Org.

Surprised by his admission, she retreated a few inches and flicked her gaze up and down, searching for the truth in his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that. You aren’t the only one hurting. I… Damn it, I promised we wouldn’t bring the past up. I’m not going to. But you aren’t the only one who got hurt in all this. I cared about you. I wanted to marry you. I…”

He paused and dragged a hand through his hair. He suddenly looked haggard and tired, worn down by the dark emotion that flowed between the two of them.

“I still want to marry you,” he quietly admitted.

The admission was stark, so plainly and painfully laid out. Almost as if he wasn’t happy with the truth of the words but said them all the same. He stared at her, his discomfort growing by the second.

She stared back, baffled and unable to form a single-word response to his declaration.

He didn’t love her. Didn’t trust her. He believed the absolute worse about her.

But he wanted to marry her.

She laughed. It was a hysterical, shrill, unpleasant sound.

His eyes narrowed. “That wasn’t exactly the reaction I’d hoped for.” he said.

Her own eyes widened. “Was that a proposal?” she asked.

She swallowed the laughter this time because he was wearing an extremely dark, agitated look.

He gripped the back of his neck. “No, yes, maybe. I’d like that to be where we end up. But we’ve got a long way to go before we get there. I just want you to say that you still care. Enough to want to stay and work things out. We’ll take it slow. One day at a time. I won’t let anything happen again like what happened at lunch.”

“And how are you going to do that?” she asked softly. “How can you make your family or your acquaintances accept me? And they don’t, Matt. You always told me I imagined it, but let’s be honest here. Your mother couldn’t stand me. They couldn’t understand what you saw in me. And it’s obvious your brother thought I was unfaithful. An opinion you adopted.”

He rose abruptly. She slid off his lap and onto the mattress as he stood by the bed, his hand still at his nape.

“You said you didn’t want to talk about the past. Either we’re going to or we aren’t, but none of this pick and choose your shots.” he said.

He dropped his hand and then leaned over her, planting his hands on either side of her legs. “Just answer the question, Savannah. Did you mean what you said? Are you going to stay? Do you even want to try? Are you willing to work this out so that maybe we can be happy together again?”

He asked it as though it was something she could answer immediately. It wasn’t a simple matter. No matter which way she answered, she would be hurt.

She licked her lips. Her heart screamed at her that she was an idiot to get involved with him again.

Her head told her that without trust their relationship was doomed from the start, and he’d already proved he had absolutely no faith in her.

Was she willing to put herself in a position where everyone else’s word would be taken above her own?

But something deeper, beneath the pain and the anger and the betrayal, stirred and twisted within her at the thought of being together with Matt again.

She told herself that there was nothing wrong with staying with him for now. But she also knew she couldn’t stay with him without involving her heart again. So the decision was whether she wanted to forgive and forget and move on or whether she wanted to make a clean, permanent break and move on, whatever that entailed.

Or maybe she should settle for a few stolen moments with a man she loved and hated with equal fervor.

The longer she was silent, the more the hope faded in Matt’s eyes. He seemed resigned to her inevitable rejection, and she couldn’t help but draw the parallel between now and the time she’d stood so vulnerable in front of him, begging for his trust, his love, his support.

The idea of revenge didn’t appeal. It left a heavy feeling of sadness and brought her no happiness and certainly no peace.

She was a fool. And that too brought her no peace.

“I’ll stay. I meant what I said” she said in a voice devoid of the joy the decision should have brought.

Though it was lacking in her own tone and expression, hope flared back to life in Matt’s eyes. He gripped her arms and then slid his hands up over her shoulders and neck to gently hold her in place as he pressed a tender kiss to her lips.

There was a wealth of emotion conveyed in the simplest touch of his mouth. His breath came in ragged spurts from his chest and for the first time she realized how much he’d feared her rejection.

She wasn’t a huge believer in karma but now she wondered if this was his penance. To feel as she had felt so many months before. But that thought brought her no satisfaction either. She wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.

He drew away and brushed the hair from her cheek and continued to stroke the contours of her face.

“Spend the rest of the day with me, Savvie. You need to eat. I’ll tell Rosa to prepare something for us and we can go eat on the beach. Watch the sun go down. You can get your bathing suit if you’d like to go in the water.”

She reached for the hand that rested against her cheek and curled her fingers around it, holding it there for a long moment.

“I’d like that,” she finally said.

She and Matt strolled to the same umbrella she’d used for her nap earlier that morning and he spread out a blanket on the sand.

After he was satisfied she would have a comfortable seat, he told her to sit down and then began unpacking the picnic basket prepared by Rosa.